I Remember
by xHanaMitchx
Summary: They say those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it. But what if you don't want to remember the past? What if the memories it holds are too painful?
1. What's Wrong?

**This is my second fanfic about Sam! I've always loved the story of Sam's past and while watching old episodes i realised I missed those emotional episodes of Sam where you see a much weaker, softer side to her. Therefore I thought I write this fanfic. I didn't know whether to label it as a Tom and Sam story or a Dylan and Sam story as both men will feature, but I decided to label it as a Tom and Sam story however Dylan should feature as well. Anyways, enjoy!**

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_What matters is to live in the present, live now, for every moment is now. It is your thoughts and acts of the moment that create your future. The outline of your future path already exists, for you created its pattern by your past. - Sai Baba_

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Holby ED- 14th February 2013:

"Happy Valentines Day!"

Placed in front of her was a small, heart shaped box, probably contianing chocolates of some sort. Not that it mattered.

"Tom, thanks." She took the box of him before heading of to her shift.

Tom stood there, perplexed about what had just happened. She seemed happy enough but there was something else, he could tell. He followed her out, seeing if he could coax anything out of her through out the day.

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_Camp Bastion- 14th February 2005:_

_*Knock-Knock*_

_"Go away Jack" Just another one of the boys trying to wind me up, she thought. Ignore them._

_The knock came again, this time more insistent._

_*Knock-Knock-Knock*_

_"I said go away! My shift isn't for another 3 hours!" She waited for a moment, listening out to hear footsteps going in the opposite direction. Instead, an envelope appeared under the door, addressed to her. She pushed the covers back and climbed out of bed to retrieve the envelope. She peeled open the flap and pulled out a note. It read:_

_Roses are red, Violets are blue, If I don't get killed on the frontline, Will you be my valentine?_

_Love, ?_

_She couldn't help but smile at the little poem. Sure, it wasn't Shakespeare but it was pretty sweet. It was obvious who wrote it though, when you live and work with the same men everyday, you recognise when someone likes you. Maybe I'll tease him, she thought. She grabbed a pen and began writing on the back of the note..._

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Holby ED- 14th February 2012:

"So... what's wrong?"

"Why would anything be wrong?"

"You didn't open my present, you've been staring at the calender like it's a magic mirror and so far, every patient you have treated have managed to acquire two doctors after complaining that you didn't seem to know what on earth was wrong with them."

"So? They were difficult cases Tom, and I wanted a second opinion."

"Sam, one of them had a finger practically hanging off and the first thing you do is ask where it hurts! Something's going on Sam."

"Nothing is 'going on' Tom" She started to walk away, but was blocked by Tom.

"Nuh-uh, you're not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on. Otherwise we might find that a patient that came in with a sore tooth dies because Doctor Nicholls wasn't concentrating on her patients. Now come on, what is it?"

"Listen, it's kind of personal and I don't want to talk about it."

"Are you sure? Maybe I could help?"

"Sorry Tom, but no one can help."

"Okay, well take a break before another patient get the special treatment of two doctors!"

"Okay." She headed towards the staffroom, but she wasn't planning on taking a break.

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_Camp Bastion- 14th February 2005:_

_"You came!" The surprise was evident in his voice as he saw Sam enter the small cafe._

_"Of course, I was the one that suggested we meet here in the first place!"_

_"But how did you know it was me?"_

_"No offence Jack, but your handwriting is the scruffiest out of anybody's, and easily recognisable."_

_"Oh, sorry."_

_"Don't be! Finally a break from quick meals and everybody else!"_

_"Well, you're welcome! Although, I have heard that this place is next on the list for blowing up, so we might want to eat quickly!" He joked, wanting her to think he had a sense of humour. That's what girls look for, isn't it?_

_'Then let's order." Being a cafe, there wasn't so much choice, however it was still nice to be on a date. After they had ordered, Sam excused herself to the toilet, not knowing that when she came back, everything will have changed._

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**Chapter 1 done! Hope you enjoyed reading this and can't wait for the next chapter! :) Updates might be irregular but I'll try to update as much as I can. Please review and feel free to PM me! Thanks for reading!**

**Hannah xx**


	2. A Memory

**Hello! So, so so so so so so... sorry I haven't updated, had a lot of stuff going on lately and haven't had the time! Been struggling for inspiration for my other fanfic so please suggest if you have any ideas. Thank you for all the lovely review, I enjoy reading them and was surprised by how many I got! Been a bit fed up with casualty lately, not much drama is happening between any of the staff. Anyways, enjoy!**

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_To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever..._

_The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap created never closes..._

_This gap in your heart is the shape of the one you lost - no one else can fit in. -Jeanette Winterson_

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Holby ED- 14th February 2013:

She headed outisde, zipping up her hoodie as she snuck away. She had told Tom she needed a break and she had, just not in the way that he had thought. She needed to get away from that hospital, full of sick patients and their lovers. Away from all the fluffy pink decorations and cute little cards that littered the staffroom. She just needed to be alone, where she could pretend that today wasn't what she thought it was and where nobody could remind her it was.

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_Camp Baiston- 14th February 2005:_

_She was in a field. The sun was bright and her vision was obscured by the blinding rays. She thought she could make out a hill, in the distance, but it could have been anything. And a figure. A man, maybe? He was coming closer, and had something in his hands. As he approached, she wondered who this man was. He was coming closer, nearly here. His face broke the clouds and he was revealed. She smiled, it was Jack. Jack? Oh no..._

_Sam shot up, before groaning. Rubble was littered all around her and it looked like the bathroom had been blown to pieces. Her head span as she sat up so she quickly laid back down again, only to be greeted with a sharp pain at her skull. She reached up, and felt a shard of glass protruding from her head. Oh crap, I'm on a date with Jack and I'm going to have a bloody bandage! Wait, Jack! _

_"Jack! Jack, where are you?"_

_"Sam?"_

_It was a man's voice, but not Jack's. She recognised though, so she answered._

_"Yes?"_

_A man appeared at the entrance, or what should have been the enterance. She knew him as one of her colleagues, one of Jack's friends. She couldn't remember his name though._

_"Sam? God, what happened? We heard there was a bomb explosion here, but didn't know it was this bad! Come on, we need to get moving, apparently another wave is scheduled in 5 minutes. Can you move at all?"_

_"I don't know, don't think so. But Jack, where is he?"_

_"Jack? Why was he here?"_

_Sam hesitated, she didn't want anybody to know about her and Jacks little date so she just made up an excuse._

_"I just saw him here and he invited me to sit with him. But never mind that, where is he?"_

_"Sorry Sam, haven't seen him. But we'll find him, don't worry." A crackle came from his radio and a voice emerged, "Matt, 1 minute till another wave! Come on, you need to get out of there! What's taking so long?" Asked Luke, the other medic._

_"I'm here with Sam. She says Jack's here but I can't find him. She's gonna need a stretcher though." Matt replied._

_"Sam?" She smiled she knew that Luke had a soft spot for her."Okay, I'm coming in. But Matt, I don't know if we've going to have time to rescue Jake." He broke off, before Matt had time to protest._

_As Sam got outside, the boys truly realised how much damage the explosion had done. It was a surprise that even Sam had survived. Once the shock had worn off, Sam could really feel the pain. She groaned again, and Luke asked what was wrong. When she could only reply with another feeble moan, he knew they needed to get going._

_"Matt, come on! She's barley staying awake!"_

_"But Jack!" Matt protested._

_He quickly ran over to him, leaving Sam out of ear shot._

_"I know, but we dont have time! Sam needs to get to hospital and if another bomb goes off while you're in there we're all done! We can come back if it hasn't exploded by then." He saw Matt's face change and his heart went out to him. He carried on, speaking softly, " Listen, he's my friend too, but killing yourself isn't going to help!" If you go now, Sam might not got to hospital in time and you wouldn't forgive yourself either. If you couldn't see him, then it's probably too late. It's time to move on." With that he ran back to Sam, who was fast deteriorating._

_"Okay Sam, let's get moving!"_

_"Jack, where's Jack?" She mumbled._

_"Jack, I'm afraid isn't going to make it. I'm sorry."_

_"What? No, NO! Got to go back, go back!" As she became more agitated, Luke decided it would be best to sedate her. She started to feel drowsy, and it wasn't long before her eyelids drooped and her world descended into a dark haze..._

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Holby Beach- 14th February 2013:

She was at the beach. The beach, the place where she could just collect her thoughts. She loved the feeling of walking in and letting the water surround you. If you went in far enough, you could pretend that it was just you, a little island in the middle of a big, big sea. And being that little island could help. You didn't have any pressure, and no one disturbing you and didn't have a time limit. Like being stranded, but you want to be. Like you spend as much time as you want, and when you get bored, you can just ring up a helicopter to come and collect you and take you home. Right now she wanted to be that island. She wanted to be alone, away from the pink fluffiness of Valentine's Day and she wanted to remember that day that Jack died. Her last memory of him. Her body recognised the longing and automatically began to pull her towards the sea. It didn't care that it was February- cold, freezing February. She began to take her hoodie off, thinking off when she was little and would go paddling in the sea. She dumped it in the soft sand before carrying on, on the path her heart had laid out for her. She didn't stop, just let the soft lapping water lull her into the waves.

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Holby ED- 14th February 2013:

TOM'S POV

He tried ringing her, but she wouldn't pick up. He needed her to come back; they were already a doctor down and if he was really honest, he was worried about her. He scrolled through his phone before discovering an app he had completely forgotten about: Find My iPhone. He quickly searched for Sam before selecting her iPhone. He zoomed into her location and was slightly shocked. _The beach? _He thought._ Why the beach, it's freezing outside. _His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of high-heels clomping down the corridor.

"Has she answered yet?" Zoe asked.

"Not yet, but I think I know where she is. I can get her, if you want me to?"

"Please do!" She replied. "But Tom, be quick, I'm already a doctor down."

"I'll be as quick as I can." He called, already heading out to his car.

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Holby Beach- 14th February 2013:

TOM'S POV

By the time he had arrived at the beach, the sky had clouded over and had casted a dark shadow over the land below. To make matters worse, rain had now started pouring and Tom could barley see. If he wasn't worried about Sam before, he certainly was now. What kind of person goes to beach on a cold February day, in the rain? He speed up his pace; he didn't want spend any more time than he had to out here. As he reached the sand, he noticed faint, partially washed away footprints. And unless someone else had fancied a rainy walk, these were Sam's footprints. Following the trail, he came across a blue hoodie. Without even needing to pick it up, he knew it was Sam's. His heart rate quickened, as did his feet.

"Sam! He screamed, as he scanned the beach for any sign of her. Then, in the distance, he thought he saw something. A figure. But it was fast disappearing over the horizon. It was all he could do but stand there and watch as the figure disappeared from view, hidden beneath the waves...

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**Dun, dun, dun! Cliffhanger there for you. Please review and feel free to PM me. Thanks for reading!**

**Hannah xx**


	3. Asleep At Heavens Gate

**Hey guys! Thank you so much for all the great reviews I've been getting, they make my day. I know this may seem a bit similar to my other fanfic Gone bit I had the idea for both and didn't realised until afterwards that it was the same. Anyways, here's chapter 3!**

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Holby Beach- 14th February 2013:

He ran across the beach, into the water, not caring that he was now absolutely soaked. He ran to where he last saw Sam, and began to search for her. It was quite dark by now, and the only light he had was the faint outline of the moon behind the storm clouds. He knew that he needed to find her soon, before those storm clouds decided they could hold no more and unleashed their power. He frantically rummaged, trying to feel her in the water. In between a flash of lightning, he thought he saw her. He swam towards the shape and began to feel under the waves. He hand brushed something, and he felt a glimmer of hope. He lifted the object from the water and was relieved when Sam's face emerged. But that feeling of releif was short lived as soon as he realised how long she had been in the water for. He quickly checked for a pulse, and his heart nearly stopped when he realised there wasn't one. He needed to perform CPR, but there was no way he could do that while he was in the sea. He swam back to shore, reached for his phone and began to call an ambulance.

"Which service do you require?"

"Ambulance, please." Tom replied.

"What is the address of the incident?"

"Holby Beach"

"And what has happened?"

"It's my..um.." Tom didn't know what to say, was she his girlfriend or were they just friends? He decided on the latter, realising it was more probable. "My friend, she was in the sea, and she went in to far and I just got her out and she's not breathing and she really cold and I just need some help!" He pleaded.

"Okay sir, calm down, the ambulance is on its way. If she's not breathing, you will need to perform CPR. Are you familair with how to do this?"

"Yes, I am a doctor." He answered, a little harsher than he had meant to.

"Okay sir." They replied, offended by the hostility of his tone. "Do you feel the need to stay on the line?"

"No." With that he hung up and began CPR.

"One, Two, Three, Four.." He counted, until he reached 30. He then stopped for two rescue breaths, and checked her pulse. There was still no improvement and was concerned by how pale and cold she was. He sure hoped that ambulance wasn't far away.

As if on cue, the ambulance appeared. Jeff and Dixie rushed out, shocked when they saw Tom.

"Tom, what happened love?" Dixie enquired.

"I just came to look for her and then I saw her go under. She was in there for about 5,10 minutes or something. She's not breathing and I can't feel a pulse." He answered, almost breaking down in tears.

"Its okay Tom, she'll be alright." She comforted, even though she knew the odds were virtually impossible.

While Dixie comforted Tom, Jeff took over with the CPR and began to strap Sam onto a board.

"Right I think we're ready. Dixie, do you want to go in the back with Sam and Tom you come up front with me?" Jeff questioned.

"No, no I'd much rather go in the back.." Tom protested.

Jeff interrupted, telling him, "Look mate, you're freezing and in as much danger as getting hypothermia as she is. Why don't we get you a blanket, and you sit up front with the heaters on and Dixie will tell you if anything happens. Okay?" He compromised.

With that Tom reluctantly climbed up front, but not before he took once last glance at Sam, who Dixie was still performing compressions on.

As Jefon started to drive, Tom radioed Zoe to tell her who was coming in.

"Hi Zoe."

"Tom? What are you doing there? I thought you were looking for Sam? Oh no..."

"I'm sorry, I didn't get to her in time."

"Never mind that Tom, what happened?"

"She went into the sea and was under for like 5, 10 minutes and now she's still not breathing."

"God, Tom, I'm so sorry. We'll be there as soon as she arrives and she'll have the best possible care, okay? See you in a few minutes."

After Zoe had finished Jeff turned to Dixie and asked, "How's she doing back there Dix?

"Not good, although I did get a pulse for a while but now I can't feel it." She replied, concern in her voice.

"Okay, well we're here now, so get ready to unload."

Jeff jumped out of the ambulance and saw a team of Zoe, Ash, Fletch, Llyod and Jamie waiting for them. As Tom came stumbling out of the other side, Jamie quickly ran over to him and took him inside to warm up.

Jeff opened the back doors and him and Ash helped Dixie lift Sam out, while Zoe took over with compressions.

"So Dixie, what have we got?"

"Had a GCS of 3 at the scene and still has not improved. Wasn't breathing when we arrived and I haven't felt a pulse except for a few seconds where there was a faint beating."

"So bad, yeah?"

"Yeah, it's bad, but she better pull through."

"We'll see about that." Zoe replied as she entered Resus. "Right Fletch, can you put a line in and Ash, can you get ready to intubate. Lloyd can you connect up the monitor."

Everybody rushed around, doing there jobs, not wanting to lose Sam. Just as Ash was about to intubate, Lloyd stopped him.

"Wait, the monitors picking up a faint heartbeat. Keep going Zoe, she might be coming back!"

Zoe carried on pounding, until Sam started coughing up water.

"Okay guys, she's choking. Let's roll her."

Fletch and Lloyd grabbed one side, while Ash came to stand by Zoe. Fletch and Lloyd rolled Sam towards Zoe and Ash, so she wouldn't choke.

Unfortunately, where Zoe was, so was her dress. As Sam let out another violent cough, a whole batch of sea water came with it, right onto Zoe's dress. She jumped back, before saying, "Well, welcome back Sam! It's nice to know you valued our friendship over these years." She joked.

Fletch proceded with placing an oxygen mask over Sam's face while Zoe began to clean herself up.

Sam lay back exhausted and looking a little confused. Fletch recognised the confusion etched on her face and began to explain.

"You're in hospital Sam. Tom found you and brought you here." He explained, gently.

"Tom? Where is he?"

"Jamie's looking after him." He replied, sitting down on the bed.

"Why, what happened?"

"Nothing, really. He just went in to get you and came out a bit cold and tired. Talking about tired, you look like you could do with some rest. Would you like me to get Tom or do you just want to get to sleep?" He questioned, noticing her try to stifle a yawn.

"Can you get Tom please?" She replied, her eyes starting to droop.

"Sure, be right back."

Tom walked in but by the time he reached her bed, she was already asleep.

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**So, what do you think? I know that I didn't include a flashback in this episode, but I really wanted to focus it on the present. So looking forward to Saturdays episode, looks like Tom's getting jealous! Please review and feel free to PM me and check out my profile page.**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Hannah xx**


	4. What Happened While You Were Gone

**Hello! I'm back (I think)! Sorry I haven't updated, I decided to take a break from writing and read other fanfics, which has definitely helped me to get back to writing. I really want to start another story but must finish my other two first! Thanks to all the great reviewers, I really appreciate it! Anyway, as I said at the start, Dylan would feature in this story and I'm begining to incorporate him into this fic. So don't worry, he is coming!**

**Anyways, enjoy!**

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_It's not the goodbyes that hurt, it's the flashbacks that follow. - Unknown Author_

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*FLASHBACK*

_She could feel him hot on her tail. He had just appeared, right in front of the site she was tending to as a medic. He was searching for someone, but it was not clear who. His eyes locked with hers, and he walked towards her, and drew a gun out. He told her to stop treating the man, or he would shoot her. She hesitated, before shooting the man in the arm and running off. Enraged, he chased after her, and she found herself being hunted. She turned a sharp right, only to be met with a dead end. She spun round, looking for an escape. She could hear him coming and knew she had to act fast. Too late. He stood in front of her, an evil grin plastered over his face. He slowly began to make his way towards her, finger resting on the trigger. Just as he was about shoot, she heard a voice._

"Sam! Wake up!"

_She looked towards the shooter, seeing if he had spoken. He hadn't, and he didn't even seem to have heard the voice._

She was backed up against the wall, staring at the space in front of her, like she could see something, or somebody.

"Sam! What are you doing?" He shook her again, trying to see if he could get through to her.

_There it was, the voice, again. She knew she recognised it but didn't know where from. Before she had time to think about who the voice belonged to, there was a gunshot._

She suddenly flinched, before dropping to the floor. Tom quickly grabbed her before she reached the bottom, and seated her against the wall. He lifted her face in his hands and saw that her eyes were closed and her breathing was very shallow.

"Sam, can you open your eyes for me?"

On hearing Resus doors open behind him, he turned and saw Zoe standing there, confusion etched on her face.

"What's going on Tom?" She gestured to Sam.

On hearing his name, Sam's eyelids fluttered open. She slowly surveyed her surroundings, until she realised she was no longer in bed.

Tom turned back to Sam and Zoe came and knelt beside her.

"Sam?" Zoe questioned, hoping the younger doctor may have some answers.

Instead, Sam ignored Zoe and turned to Tom.

"It was you, wasn't it? Your voice." She stated, innocently.

"What was me? What was my voice?" He gently asked, not wanting to startle her anymore than she already was.

"In Afghanistan. You were there with me."

"Afghanistan!? Sam, what are you on about?" He shouted a little too loudly, which earned him a glare from Zoe.

"Okay Tom, that's enough." She turned to Sam. "I think we'll let you get some rest, and we can talk more later. Okay?"

After a quick nod from Sam, she helped Tom ease Sam into bed. There would be time to talk later.

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Unfortunatley for Zoe, later was too late.

She walked in to see Tom sat on Sam's bed, talking to her. The conversation seemed pleasant enough, but Zoe could see something was bothering Tom. She motioned for him to come over.

"What's wrong?" She questioned.

"She doesn't remember Zoe. She doesn't remember what happened to her earlier, or anything that she said about Afghanistan. To her, this is the first time she had woken up today." He replied, clearly concerned about her welfare.

"None of it?"

"None of it." He confirmed.

She paused for a moment, contemplating on what to do. She walked over to Sam's bed, and began to talk.

"So Sam, how are you doing?"

"Good, slightly tired but that can be expected, can't it?" She looked at them both, and saw something pass between them.

"What?"

This time, Tom answered.

"Something happened this morning. With you." She shot a questioning look at him and he continued.

"Umm... I guess you could call it an episode...?" He shot a glance at Zoe, who nodded. "It looked like you were having a sort of flashback... you said something about Afghanistan."

Sam shrank away at the mention of that and looked in shock.

"Whoa Sam, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you!"

She seemed to relax slightly before speaking, "No, its okay, it wasn't you." She carried on, but she seemed nervous, and unsure, "When I had this _episode, _did I seem to think that I was actually there?" She looked at them, scared of their answer.

"Umm..Yeah, I suppose. Why?" And then it dawned on him. "Sam, have you had these before?"

She nodded, sheepishly.

Zoe interjected, "Sam! Why didn't you tell us? We could have helped you!"

Sam felt the need to defend herself and argued back, "I'm sorry! I haven't had one for ages and I'd thought they'd gone!" She looked like she was going to burst into tears. Tom quickly sat by her and began to rub her back.

"Do you know what brought this one on?" He was sure it was related to what happened at the beach, but he needed to know if he was right.

She didn't nod, but the look in her eyes told him that she did indeed know.

He wanted to be sympathetic, as he knew she didn't want to tell him. But he knew it was for her own good, so he asked.

"Tell us what happened."

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**Chapter 4 done! Please review and feel free to have a rant at me ****of not updating in donkeys years! I won't mind! I'll try to update my other fic ASAP, as I know lots of you will be waiting for that one too.**

**Anyways, hope you enjoyed reading and please review!**

**Hannah xx**

**Ps. As for the guest that asked for cute Tam moments, they will be coming! I love them too!**


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